


The Time We Were Us

by Cruisinwritealong



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Broody Moony, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Letters, M/M, Marauders' Era, Owls, wolfstar, wolfstar fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-03 18:27:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16331243
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cruisinwritealong/pseuds/Cruisinwritealong
Summary: A follow up to "Light, Dark, and Learning" from Remus’ POV -Remus is home for the summer after an enormous fall-out with Sirius. He is angry, lost, and heartbroken.





	The Time We Were Us

Remus sat on the dock of the small lake near his family cottage, lazily swinging his bare feet back and forth. He watched as his toes made small ripples in the otherwise calm water. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there, staring at the clouds, at the water, at nothing. His back and butt were beginning to hurt, but the cool breeze and serene nature scene around him gave him comfort.

Next to him was a pen, an almost empty travel mug of lukewarm tea, a half-eaten biscuit, an open box of his favorite chocolates, his wand, and his favorite journal. Inside the well-loved journal was nineteen crumpled, smudged, tea and tear stained letters.

He slowly dragged his foot through the water and sighed. He picked up his pen and journal in a half-hearted attempt to finally write something. He ended up just glaring down at them as if the objects had personally offended him somehow. Giving up, he groaned and tossed both things back to his side where they were before. He grabbed for another piece of chocolate and was startled by the hoot of an owl. He watched as it gracefully glided down to land close by him.

“Hiya Boy,” he said calmly, unsure if he was glad to see the bird again or not. The owl gave what sounded like an exasperated greeting in return. It made Remus almost smile as he stroked the owl’s feathers affectionately.

“He’s wearing you down too, eh? Yeah, he’s…persistent like that.”

Remus gently untied the letter and broke off a small piece of his biscuit in thanks. The owl waited expectantly.

"Nope, sorry. I still don't know what to say to him."

The tawny bird hooted and flapped his large wings before taking off. Remus watched him fly away until the owl was out of sight. He simply sat still, just clutching the letter for a while, his heart and head completely torn in two.

“Why are you such an ass Pads?” he said to the water. “What the fuck do you want from me? How could you be so fucking stupid? …so stupid. You stupid, bloody… beautiful bastard.”

Remus clenched the letter tighter in his fist as his grief squeezed around his heart.

“Fuck you Sirius Black!” He shouted to the sky. “Fuck You!! FUCK!!”

Only the sound of the leaves blowing in the breeze answered him back.

With a deep breath and an exhausted groan, he opened the letter.

_Dearest Remus,_

Then he quickly crumpled it in a tight fist again. He stared out at the sky, watching the birds flying in the distance. He closed his eyes and just tried to breathe. He listened to the breeze rustle the branches around him and attempted to reign in all his swirling emotions.

“I’m not reading it,” he spoke out resolutely to the trees. “I don’t have to read it. I don’t even want to read it," he justified to the air. "He’s a selfish, arrogant, twat who _clearly_ doesn’t care about me, and I don’t give a flYING FUCK what he has to say!”

He pulled his feet abruptly from the water and made to stand up, only to stop short on one knee. He stayed in limbo there, half up and half down, a physical representation of his inner conflict.

“God dammit.”

He slumped back down to his seat with a long suffering sigh and an eye roll. He smoothed the letter back open with no ceremony and began to read.

_Dearest Remus,_

“Dearest fucking moron you mean,” he mocked himself.

_I hope your favorite chocolates made it safe and sound to you._

Remus plucked another piece from the box and then frowned at it. “You don’t know me Sirius Black.”

_Mom and I were walking through the market and I saw them so I figured I’d send some more. I hope that having them helped after the last moon. Was it an alright one last month? I really hope you’re well. I was thinking of you the whole time. I even stayed as Padfoot all night thinking that maybe it would help in some tiny way. Yes I know I’m a fool. Prongs hasn’t stopped giving me shit for it. I can’t find a fuck to give him though._

“Why are you like this? You’re rambling -  And Stop being all sweet and shit. I’m mad at you. I’m fucking mad. ...I am.”

_I’m starting off with all the rambling again, I know._

“Oh are you?" He asked sarcastically and then rolled his eyes.

_Please don’t roll your eyes. I’m going for sincerity here._

Remus flipped his middle finger to the letter.

_The thing is Moony, I need you to know that I miss you more than I can say. I miss my best friend. I miss my boyfriend - if I can even still say that._

“Dammit Padfoot. Stop making me feel things! You don’t even know how bad you hurt me!”

_I know I’ve deeply hurt you._

“God damnit”

 _I'm trying to give you your time and space. I’ve said (am saying) how sorry I am and begged (am begging) your forgiveness. I planned to continue to do so until you told me to stop, seeing as you’ve not told me to fuck off and stop writing yet, and I thought I should keep on. I thought I could keep on. But, then Prongs asked me what you said in any of your letters back. And, you see, I didn't have anything to say to him. Because you're still not speaking to me. Because you haven't written back once. And it’s ok Remus. I understand. It was good, that moment. It forced me to finally stop and consider what you’re_ not _telling me. Your silence is loud enough that even this idiot can understand what you’re communicating. ..._ _So, in efforts of making better and more considerate choices - this my twentieth letter, will be my last. I will honor your silence and leave you to enjoy your summer (I truly hope you can)._

“Wait… wait. What?”

_Final thoughts for you Remus…_

_I want you to know that I am still learning, but owning my behavior. That selfish prat at the end of last year? He's gone Remus. I know that is not who I want to be. That's not who I am going to be. I want more than anything to make you and my new family proud of me. I want to become a man worthy of someone like you someday, hopefully. I’ll never be any where close to perfect, Moons I know but, I promise you that I will forever more stop and think through my actions and the consequences of them on others. As I mentioned a few letters back, my Mom (!! still crazy to say!) says my choices tell who I really am. And I want to be a man who chooses to place others above himself._

_So. In efforts of becoming this better man, I have made a choice in a manner thereof - I am letting you go Moony._

“Letting me g- What the fuck Pads?”

_I will let you be, since that seems to be your wish._

“Oh no. No no no no.”

_Of course I would love the privilege to still be in your life somehow, if you'll have me. I want to be in your life in any way you see fit, whatever that could look like. After all, you make me and all those around you, better. But of course I understand if you’re no longer comfortable with any of that. I do have deep, deep feelings for you, which you know. I promise I will work hard to keep those out of your way and not do anything to make you uncomfortable. I will move on._

“Shitshitshitshitshit”

_Please know it was an honor to be your friend Remus, an honor to be a marauder at your side. And Being with you was one of the best things to ever have happened to a sod like me._

“Oh my god. No. Pads. Please. Please no.”

_And rest assured, Padfoot will always run with Moony, no matter the state of their respective humans - just say the word._

_I will always treasure the time I have spent with you - the time we were Us._

_Please take care of yourself Remus._

_All the best,_

_Sirius_

Remus stared at the words, mouth slightly open and tears falling once again on one of Sirius’ letters.

He had forgiven him two or three letters ago, but he was still so angry, so defensive, that he couldn’t bring himself to reply. The letters had been all over the place at first, a rambling of excuses and finger pointing. Then they took on a justifying tone, bargaining and all out begging for his forgiveness and any type of reply. Out of no where the tone suddenly changed completely. Sirius shared with Remus the conversations he was having with Mrs. Potter and his apologies became thorough and sincere. Remus could tell the shift in Sirius was profound. It never occurred to him that Sirius might actually stop writing, might actually stop being with him entirely. He never dreamed the letters would read as if he might lose Sirius for good.

‘I will move on’ -the words echoed in his mind over and over. 

“Fucking hell.”

He shoved the letter into his journal with the others and grabbed his pen and paper all while muttering to himself.

“How dare you Pads? How _dare_ you! Fucking making me feel all this shit. Asshole. Now what am I supposed to do!? You’re the one that fucked this up! I’m just-“

“Remus? Where are you Sweetheart?” He heard his mother’s voice call out from the house and stopped mid-rant.

“Oh, I’m just here losing my mind and yelling at no one," he muttered quietly.

He sniffed, cleared his throat, and called back, “By the water!”

He heard the familiar whack of the screen door closing so he quickly swiped his eyes dry and cleared his throat thoroughly. He put his pen and journal down, stacking the letters a bit neater. 

His mother walked down the dock and sat gracefully next to him saying nothing. She removed her sandals and rolled her trouser legs up. Then she put her feet into the water and playfully splashed a bit in his direction. He tried and failed to smile.

“Sooo,” she began cautiously, “you’ve been out here all morning. Your lunch has gotten cold.”

“Yeah um, sorry, I was just thinking.”

“Hmm.” She surveyed him for several moments. Just as he was about to protest the scrutiny she said, “You know Remus, your father is the love of my life.”

Remus raised his eyebrows. “That’s random and gross Mom.”

“And he probably makes me want to hit him in the head with a book at least once a day.”

Her blunt statement tore a startled almost laugh out of him.

“Mom.”

“Listen, I love him to death," she chuckled, "but he makes me so mad I think about leaving him at least once a week.”

“Mom!?”

She laughed at his incredulous face and continued, “My point is Darling, that loving someone and being upset with them, are not two mutually exclusive things. Love and pain often coexist quite closely."

When he didn’t reply she said, “Loving someone deeply usually means you become quite good at forgiving. And asking for forgiveness.”

Remus took in her words, sighed, and leaned into her. She wrapped a loving arm around him. He rested his head on her shoulder and she put her head on top of his. They sat together for several long, quiet moments just feeling the breeze, stirring the water lazily with their feet, and listening to the birds sing random songs in the distance.

“I want to hate him,” he said softly.

“I know the feeling.”

“I never want to see him again.”

“I can understand that.”

“I miss him so much I can’t breathe.”

“Yes, I know that feeling too,” she said with a soft, sad smile.

They broke apart but stayed close. She put a gentle and loving hand to his cheek, making eye contact with him.

“Would he ever hurt you, on purpose? Manipulate you or li-”

“No. Absolutely not,” was his immediate reply.

“Well then Darling, it sounds like this is something worth fighting for. Everyone makes poor choices sometimes, don’t they? …Even prefects.” She playfully poked him in his ribs making him squirm.

“Yeah Yeah,” he said with a small smile. It felt like he hadn’t smiled in weeks. Maybe he hadn’t.

“Remus,” she began gently, clearly choosing her words carefully. “Everyone in your life will make good and bad choices, right? You will hurt them and they will hurt you. But Sweetheart, we must love anyway. We don’t love because we’ll never get hurt. We love because they are worth hurting for. Because they are worth having in our life, come what may.”

He nodded his agreement and immediately thought of Sirius’ words.

His heart shattered at the thought of Padfoot not around him anymore. Of not being interrupted by playful eyes, a goofy grin, and shaggy black hair. Not rolling his eyes at another one of his ramblings, while secretly adoring it. Not talking him down from another new prank idea. Not holding his hand on the way to class. Not getting "distracted" in a broom cupboard and not making it to class at all. Not taking long, slow walks around the lake, snogging in the shade of the trees.

His mind saw Sirius across the Great Hall at meals, sitting with someone else. Saw Sirius going on Hogsmead dates with someone else. Sirius laughing, happy and comfortable with someone else. Sirius “moving on” and  _with_ someone else. The racing pictures made him nauseous to think about. 

And then he thought of Padfoot never around for another moon. It was bittersweet. At least Sirius would be safe from anymore moons. And Remus thought he could manage... probably.

“Maybe we’re better off. I mean, he won’t have the wolf to deal with any-“

“Rem, if I may… I don’t think you’re actually angry with him. Not anymore.”

He made an argumentative, confused face but she continued on, “It’s much easier to be angry and push him away than it is to face your greatest fears. It’s terrifying to love someone. Even more so to have their love in return. Yes he was foolish and told your secret. Yes, his actions were selfish and he let you down tremendously. But now… Now I think you are afraid because you understand how much you need him. You see how much you can hurt each other. But you also know how much this relationship means to your life.”

He balked at her statement. Scared? No. He wasn’t afraid, he was mad...right? Right. Pads is a dick and he doesn’t owe that asshat anything.

And then he had a flash of beautiful blue-grey eyes and a bright, warm smile. Tender fingers and soft, full lips. A wit that could make him laugh so hard he’d cry. A journal full of relentless letters. Shit. Fuck.

He’s terrified.

“You are scared to be happy, Love, and I cannot allow that. You can move passed this Remus. You are more than just the cycle of the moon, my Darling. You deserve happiness just like the rest of us.”

He did not know what to say. His swirling thoughts would not settle into words. She did not press him to respond, just casually picked up a piece of his chocolate and took a bite in companionable quiet, giving him space to wrestle with his thoughts.

Finally she said, “Let me just ask this last thing, alright?” At his affirming nod she said, “There will come a day when you will hurt someone you love. How do you want to be treated then?”

He paused. “It’s irritating when you’re right.”

“Yes that’s why I do like it so much,” she said with a cocky little smile.

He rolled his eyes affectionately with a small shake of his head. He was so lucky to have her.

Unexpectedly and very rapidly, all of his over analysis, racing thoughts, and shifting emotions settled into one solid block of an idea. The clarity of it was like a sun ray piercing a storm cloud.

“Mom, I need to see him.”

“I thought as much.”

“I need to punch him. And I need to kiss him. And I need to fix things with him.”

“Right,” she chuckled, “Well, Mrs. Potter has said you are welcome anytime you like, has she not?”

“Um, yes she has. But I- I don’t even know what I’m-“

“Go pack. You have over thought this one long enough.”

“...Right.”

He stood and began picking up his things, mind racing with possibility and hope that he hadn’t felt for ages. She reached out and gently grabbed his wrist causing him to still.

“Oh, and Remus, Darling?

"Yes?"

"Leave the chocolates.”

"Yes Mom," he said with affection as he handed over the box. 

He turned and walked with new purpose down the dock towards his house, towards his room and his suitcase.

With a singular focus he turned towards the floo. With a renewed sense of hope he called out the Potters’ address.

With his mind made up he turned towards Sirius.

And Remus Lupin smiled.  

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I hope you liked it. 
> 
> Comments are welcomed and very appreciated.


End file.
